What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 03:15
I have no regrets .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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My family never makes their pension either.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She wouldn,t have been !
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Ive learnt so much.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was seconnd youngest,
So, i spoilt her more .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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This is soul school!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im still living with it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I waited trembling.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And i lived it daily.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why did i forgive my father ?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We all went to grammer schools
She loved him until the end.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Who then, do I blame.?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But it wasn’t much.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I don,t even have a pension.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I couldn’t, believe it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We were not on the streets..
Put me off passion for life!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So whats the point in blame.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Especially a lifetime of it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I will be 64.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
All the time i was locked up.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He knew the spot.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
When she asked me how she looked .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She married twice! .
She found it foreign!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was scared of men, in general
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It was going to be , some day.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I said to her
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was very sick at this time too.
One cannot live in the past .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Would this be the day?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But, we were locked up after school.
She was in good health!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My life is so biszare .
What did i know ?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Comes on , in middle age.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was 9 years of age.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im dying but, im not bitter.